Ephiphany Manifest
Self-Compassion in Bildungsroman
Self-portrait, 2021. West Camino Cielo, Santa Barbara, California.
Good day! An old high school friend reached out this week over Instagram and asked me how I have been the last ~15/16 years. What my story was. It took me some time, but I wrote it out and sent it to him.
After writing it all down I decided that perhaps I could share it with you as well in the interest of inspiring self-reflection and self-compassion. Maybe I could redefine universal cruelty into something more benevolent- awe. Or maybe I could simply share with you my story.
Anyway, this is the letter I wrote back to him—and to anyone meandering through their own metamorphosis.
I hope you enjoy,
With all of my love and gratitude,
Awe World Experiencer
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Kyuho’s Message and my Inital Response
… my definition of cruel is now different from what it used to be. “Cruel” for me used to mean a malicious action inflicted upon someone without regard for their well-being, and seemingly for no gain.
Now, as I have become older and more in touch with the universe, “cruel” has become “epiphany manifest”—a life change that does not live only in the mind, but manifests in the physical world. It is true that this kind of “cruelty” doesn’t account for an individual’s projected desires, but it does honor the soul’s true desires, acting as a “course correction” from the universe. So in the end, I see it as a benevolent action that considers the future well-being of the individual for the ultimate gain of the soul.
High School Graduation Photo
My Full Response to Kyuho.
After Garces High School: That summer I went to a music festival and I took both mushrooms (for the first time) and ecstasy (also for the first time) together. Taking both substances at the same time is called a “hippy flip”. I think it is because it turns your world upside down. The reason why I took them was actually out of spite. I was angry for some trivial reason against my high school girlfriend, LB, who was at the music festival with me—though honestly, I was probably just angry at myself.
(Again, this was the summer after Garces—I was a smart enough kid, but never applied myself, I didn’t apply to any colleges, didn’t know what I was going to do, I was just looking for the next directional step in life.) Physically in life, I am highly myopic with a -7.25 correction for both eyes. Essentially, unless something is right in front of me, it is nearly impossible for me to understand it. I think this physical trait also became a symbolic trait for how I lived life- emotionally, spiritually, etc.. And at this time in life, empathy was the piece that was blurry, and due to the hippy flip, was about to get an abrupt course correction.
The hippy flip did its trick. That entire day, whenever I looked at someone in their eyes, I saw life as they saw it. I suddenly developed all of their preferences for myself, and I felt what they felt. It was utterly profound and bizarre in the highest degree.
There were moments where I had a fondness for the flavor of banana, and then I looked at someone else’s eyes and the flavor of banana made me want to vomit. That’s just a single example. But I would gather ALL of that person’s preferences and embody them.
The way I described it to other people later on was like flipping through a phonebook with a coin-sized hole cut down the middle that went to the very last page. The last page contained my preferences and views on life, and while flipping through this infinite phonebook, I could still see some of “who I was,” but 95% of what I was experiencing was another person’s mind and heart. This lasted the entire day until I went to sleep. The next day it would start and stop sporadically. For the next two weeks it would come and go randomly. It was like stepping into a complete embodiment of empathy.
From there things changed rapidly.
Photos from senior year of high school.
I made it back to Bakersfield, but was given an opportunity to go to Santiago, Chile to help my older brother out with his newly expanded restaurant and bar. I decided to go. LB was heartbroken at the idea. She and I had been together for the last 3 years of high school. She didn’t accept any of her university offers because I think she wanted to go with me to wherever I was going—I was honest with her that I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I was never transparent with my emotions (as I never learned how to articulate them), but in hindsight, I was honestly worried, scared, and sad underneath the veil of teenage indifferent confidence.
Before leaving to Chile, I looked at my life. Critically. You can blame it on the hippy flip, but I suddenly didn’t know who I was, what I was cultivating, and why. I saw all of my possessions as worthless masks and shells to hide me from who I truly was. I didn’t know my own value. I knew my “projected value” based on these things, but there was no sustenance behind them. I decided to sell everything on donations. In this way, I wanted to quantifiably see how much the world valued me through my possessions. I packed up all of my things, grabbed a shade tarp, and took my parents’ car to an undeveloped intersection where cars drove by and set everything up. Donations accepted. “Want a shirt? Ok. What do you think it is worth? A dollar. Ok, it’s yours.”
I sold everything that day. All my guitars, all my clothing, everything. I left with about $150 and a flattened McDonald’s hamburger, which I didn’t eat, that someone traded me for a jacket. I took that money, went to the thrift store, and bought some generic clothing that held no value for me except that it could keep me warm. I packed my things that week and went to Chile feeling ready to experience everything for the first time.
First month in Chile- this photo is after the summit and decent of Volcano Villarica in Pucon, Chile.
Chile was a whirlwind. I had to learn Spanish. I had to learn a new culture. I had to learn how to drink alcohol—as I never drank in high school. I had to learn how to work in my brother’s sports bar/restaurant. I had to learn who my brother was (as he is 13 years older than me, so I didn’t really have any memories of us growing up together.) I had to learn that even though he was my “brother,” the role that he embodied at this time was to be my “boss,” so we didn’t really get close. There wasn’t much love and compassion there; I think it was just an opportunity that we were both exploiting.
That became the theme of the next part too.
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The crew of California Cantina, 2009. Santiago, Chile.
LB came to Santiago about a month after me to work in the sports bar/restaurant too. The problem was I felt changed and different. I felt like I was discovering this next step in my myopic journey. Looking back, I did feel the lack of love at this time from both the external and internal. My internal compassion hadn’t been developed yet, so there was a void there—maybe that’s why I agreed that she should come down even though I didn’t know if I wanted to be in a relationship with her anymore. Maybe I just wanted that friendship. We had always been close, but the month away—the hippy flip, the change of clothing, the change of country, the drinking—everything was throwing me into a maelstrom of figuring out who I was, although I think universe was more interested in shedding everything I was first before true self-discovery. So, honestly, at this point in my life, I was probably more of an insensitive, manipulative jerk than anything. We drifted, because I was forcing that drift. She was kind, gentle, soft, patient—and I took advantage of that in the way a lost, self-indulgent teenager might. I wanted her around for the comfort of having her around, for the knowing that someone loved me, for all of the selfish reasons—and I did not give her the love that she deserved.
Eventually we broke up—this again would be my fault, my insensitivity, and my flirting with other women. Our breakup broke me more. I became more lost and more stripped down. I was angry and wanted even more of a change.
Traditional Chinese medicine calls anger the general of all emotions. It actually is held in high regard as its purpose is to facilitate change from one state to another. As a super stripped-down example, if you are sitting down and suddenly feel thirsty (a state of discomfort), all of the actions leading up to you finally quelling your thirst were done out of “anger.”
However, if you never learned to understand the difference between your body being thirsty and your body wanting to use the restroom, the discomfort you might feel may be wrongly diagnosed. This for me was a common occurance, since I couldn’t recognize my emotions and heart-needs I simply made other changes that did not allieviate the discomfort.
So the discomfort grew, anger rose, and I made another change.
What my heart wanted was probably to be alone, isolation, recognition of emotions, self-compassion, softness, gentleness, acceptance, and peace. However, again at this time, I did not have the resources, the vocabulary, the idea, the “know-how” to really just sit with myself and feel. Instead, I was restless in my discomfort, always wanting to “do something” to fix it—to be busy.
Eventually, I found the right combination that bridged that gap for me.
Hiking Torres del Paine, Chile. 2011.
I left the sports bar/restaurant and worked as a seismic driller in Punta Arenas, Chile, deep in Patagonia for a summer. $20/day + food and lodging. Hours were from 5am-11pm. Deep wilderness. No place to spend money. No reception. It was a good experience. That style of isolation, work, and nature suited me well. I was absorbed in tasks for many hours every day, but there also was a huge amount of downtime where I didn’t have phone service, a book, nor someone to talk to (my Spanish was still developing, so conversations were limited to what was necessary). In those times of forced “non-doing,” I learned how to simply be with myself, simply relax, let my mind quietly drift, review the past, feel my emotions, and begin being in states of non-judgmental experience. After a few months, I quit and hitchhiked and traveled my way back north to Santiago.
I began to work at my brother’s restaurant again. I saved a little money. I got a Chilean girlfriend—who became a long-term and long-distance girlfriend. Things were good, got better, but somehow things still did not feel complete. Eventually, I left again to travel.
During this time, I was learning more and more about Buddhism. Reading philosophy, contemplating famous quotes. Things started to open up for me in the realm of actual self-discovery and internal peace- though I hadn’t discovered who I was yet. I still wasn’t able to articulate emotions so mine were still foreign to me.
Peru with my brother, Tim. 2012.
At some point, I convinced my younger brother to come meet me in Peru for his summer break. I figured that he could use some time away from Bakersfield.
During our travels, we made our way to Iquitos, Peru (where I am currently), and in a style of synchronicity that could only have been universally aligned, we ended up in a shaman’s hut in the middle of the rainforest having an ayahuasca ceremony. (A shattering descent into endless kaleidoscopic realms—where everything breathed as one living light, perpetual death and rebirth, meeting skeletons of my own lineage, and ultimately standing before the vast, glittering expanse of The Everything to choose between absolute, solitary omniscience or the messy, beautiful gift of human connection.) You can read about that here. But I found the answers—all of them. More importantly though, I found the questions that could keep me staring myself in the eye. I also walked away with the ability to help people without assisting them, but you’ll have to read the article to understand what that means.
After the ceremony, one of the participants, Alex Gordon, invited me to come and stay with him in Santa Barbara, California. He said he had an apartment and he wanted to offer the space to me as a landing pad if I wanted to go to school at Santa Barbara City College. He knew I was traveling a bunch, but felt that I should get a degree before I got too old for school. It was an inexpensive option with a friend to delve back into academics. I accepted.
Photos from Santa Barbara around 2012.
I enjoyed Santa Barbara. Schooling was good for me. My stories were unique. I made friends easily. I studied everything. I eventually got Associate of Arts (AA) degrees in Liberal Arts, Accounting, Economics, and maybe one or two more.
During that time, my long-term, long-distance Chilean girlfriend came to visit. She wanted to get married, but I still hadn’t discovered who I was. I still didn’t know my own emotions, my own mind, my own arousal template, nor my subconscious. I declined the idea of marriage. Eventually we broke up, as I wasn’t willing to commit to anyone that deeply yet—I was probably more committed to understanding myself—and long-distance was a strain. She is now happily married in Germany to a doctor and has a couple of beautiful children. I am very happy for her.
I dated a few more people for quite a while. What I can now say is something akin to serial monogamy. I found value for myself in the eyes of others and specifically in the eyes of my partner, so I was never single for very long. (Honestly, between the ages of 13 and 25, I was probably single for a total of 5 months, the majority of that being in forced isolation in Patagonia.)
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Photos from 2016.
When I was 25, something strange happened. Probably as catalytic as the hippy flip for my life. My back got injured and I met a neurological chiropractor who fixed it, but also opened something else—my brain’s right hemisphere.
During one of our last sessions after my back was in alignment again, he offered to take a look at my brain and use his unique skill set to see how things were functioning.
“Wow, I don’t see this very often,” he commented as he finished his tests, “honestly, I only really ever see this in accountants.” (Funnily enough, I was an accountant for a 5-star resort at this time, but he didn’t know this.) “Your left hemisphere is completely dominant and your right hemisphere is severely underdeveloped.”
“Funny you say that, I am an accountant.”
“That makes sense. Do you listen to music while you work?” He asked with a little smile.
“Yes.”
“Every time you work? All day, every day?”
I thought about it, “Yes. Yes.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because I like music?”
“Try working a day without music and we can chat.”
I tried. It was terrible. I couldn’t get any work done. I returned to him the next day.
“The reason why you can’t get any work done is because music is acting as the stimulus to allow your right hemisphere to communicate with your left hemisphere. You removed the stimulus. Your brain can’t communicate.”
“How do we fix it?” I asked, expecting an adjustment like the one he made on my back—or maybe he would recommend some pills like a medical doctor so I could go on.
“I can really only prescribe a few things,” he said, “listen to Bach, don’t do any work, but just enjoy the music. Journal. Create art. Play music. Paint. Find ways to activate your right brain.”
What he was prescribing was applying an atelic lens on life to compliment the telic lens that I had always looked through. Could I enjoy a thing for the thing itself, not for the purpose or end result of it?
Santa Barbara Mountains, 2019
I left that session with a new lens and began. I bought The Artist’s Way and began journaling for the first time in my life. I started painting. I listened to music without trying to achieve anything. A month later, I quit my job as an accountant.
I began working with people again at night in high-end restaurants. During the daylight hours, I was making art, playing music, journaling, and meditating.
I also got a job at an international school where I taught their music program for about 7 years. I created and instructed their Guitar class and a Rap Deconstructed class. It was a very fun job! Classes were maxed at 17 students, the kids really wanted to be there, I got to see so many people flourish at what they truly loved to do. What was really beautiful is that they also sought me out just to spend time with me, wanting to chat, or just be in my presence. I suppose this is what Mr. Workman and Mr. Jamison felt like at Garces. It was very heartwarming.
During that time period I developed my 4 pillars of being a master teacher. Inspiration. Encouragement. Allowing. Realizing. We can talk about that another time.
Skip ahead a few years. Relationships came and went. My artistic talent grew. Self-discovery continued.
Covid happened and suddenly I could take even more time for myself to figure out what I wanted to really do with my time. At this point I started making murals with spraypaint out in the wilderness. I’ll upload some photos!
Then the next big life change happened.
Murals, 2020. West Camino Cielo, Santa Barbara, California.
I got into a relationship with a girl who was beautiful in 97% of every way. But the remaining 3% was a trove of deceit, lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. I was completely in love, but didn’t know the poison that was getting slowly injected into me.
Eventually, that relationship exploded in catastrophic and catalytic agony. It was so bad that for the first time in my life, I went to therapy, and this, like the hippy flip and like the neurological chiropractor, changed my life completely.
Therapy was an interesting experience. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone of my “side”, I was simply met where I was and asked pertinent questions in patience, compassion, and presence. It was incredible. There was no goal except to go through it, feel it, name it, be heard. Truly life changing.
I developed literacy with my own emotions. For the first time in my life, I could simply feel without judgment. I read books like Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. I was learning who I was.
Skip ahead a few years. A few therapists, a new girlfriend, couples therapy, transparency, more art, more journaling, more philospophy, more meditating, more self-discovery. Then it hit.
Contemplation in 2023.
I don’t know how to describe it, but the first weeks of 2024, when I was 32, I took a two-week period of solitude and sat with myself. (Meeting the Monkey Mind, Purging the Self) In that silent sitting and meditation, everything clicked. Every last shred was stripped away. I became bare. My identity, ego, memories, and preferences evaporated into nothingness. I looked at the world and saw people not as static silhouettes, but as mirrors reflecting Self, engulfed in swirling tornadoes of emotions and memories. Then my own mirror disappeared, I opened my heart-mouth completely, and I consumed the universe whole—stepping into the vast, radiant realization of The Enjoyment of Life. I can honestly say that everything became clear, and I knew myself thoroughly. Completely. I clicked into enlightenment. You can read about that here.
I found myself. I found it all- laughing with me. My heart was completely released and it blazed unabashed like a roaring bonfire—eliminating everything that wasn’t “true to me.” Just like in the past, I got rid of everything, but this time it wasn’t to see what the world thought or because I didn’t know who I was—it was the opposite. All the extra shells and masks. The clothing that didn’t serve me. I changed my name. I stopped trying to live for anyone else and began living entirely for me and the universe. Again, this is hard to describe over a few sentences; I recommend you read more of the Substack if you are interested.
Concerning my name change:
I took the name Awe for a number of reasons- one of them being as a reminder of the “cruel beauty” of the universe. I find awe to be an intersting word in English, as depending on the quantity/quality you receive it changes its connotation. So when you get some awe the word becomes: awesome. However, if you receive a full dose of awe, the word becomes aweful.
As I consider any amount of awe to be an inherently good thing, I welcome both the awesome and the aweful in my life with the understanding that it is the way the universe communicates directly with us and, as a side note, I believe that experiencing awe is the purpose of life.
We can talk more about that another time.
A sketch of how I saw reality in my day of enlightenment. - Mirrors of light facing me, with tornados of thoughts, feelings, memories, preferences. June 16, 2024
Now I’ve been traveling for a couple of years. Fully embodied in this flame. I’ve published 7 books, written 11. I’ve written hundreds of Substack articles. I’ve started a spiritual coaching website. I’ve even been in plays as an actor.
Now, I meet a lot of people. I make made a lot of friends. I help others with their problems if they ask and seem to create burning epiphanies wherever I go. I am happily single. I am no longer looking for anything. I am calm, confident, and free. I am compassionate, kind, and gentle. I am full of presence, patience, and love.
I still write in journals. I make art. I make my own clothing. I create beautiful meals. I play music. I dance. I dance a lot—sometimes there is no music—most of the time there are no other dancers—sometimes there is an audience—most of the time not. Really, I am just moving, flowing, and laughing from someplace deep in my chest where words don’t reach.
It is a beautiful life.
So that is my story, my old friend—sixteen years— cruel and utterly blissfully beautiful yet now fully in focus.
PS. There are a few more stories I could tell you: surviving both the 8.8 earthquake in Chile in 2010 and the Montecito Mudslides in 2018. I could tell you about the time my life was saved by an egg in Ecuador in 2011. I could tell you about loves had and lost- friends who have come and gone. Deaths. Pursuits began, failures, accomplishments, and much more, but let’s save that for another time.
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Thank you for reading,
I hope you enjoyed!
With love and gratitude,
Awe World Experiencer
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I don't even know where to begin with a comment on such a wild ride my friend! Your journey is poetic and "aweful" at the same time :) I love the humanization of so many unique circumstances and chapters that we all go through in this life - though you have always been able to put them down on paper in a satisfying and thoughtful way.
Isn't life just one big " Hippie Flip "
Thanks for this mini biopic and those photos - sure gives a lot of context to the journey and how you have and continue to navigate :)
Onward my fair friend! you have much more good to do and experience in this fine world :)