Meeting the Monkey Mind
A Journey in Meditation
Zen Tarot and Meditation with Keith (Jan. 6th)
On the morning of the 6th, I meditated as usual. It was a little cold, so I took a blanket and wrapped myself in it during the meditation. I sat, relaxed, and allowed a full incense stick to go by. Meditating and becoming distracted at my thoughts. Wondering how best to stop my thoughts from intruding into my awareness. Quite a pickle. I could get them to quiet for a while, but to cease completely forever seemed an impossible task. What to do? After I finished my meditation, it was still dark and I went to fold the blanket, but I couldn’t get it to maneuver correctly. I realized, oh, I’m standing on it. A thought passed through my head, the hardest blanket to fold is the one you’re standing on. Interesting.
After meditation and tea, I decided to do a Zen Tarot set for the day. To see what I could focus on for the day. Maybe something would come up. I cleansed the cards with burning sage, held them over a lit candle, and breathed on them to release past energy. And as has always been my method I simply shuffled and continued to blow on them. Allowing whatever cards were to fall from the deck to fall from the deck. I would order them in the Flying V chart based on the order of when they would fall out of the deck. Here’s what fell out:
8. Experiencing + 9. Healing
6. Intensity 7. The Lovers
4. Ordinaryness 5. The Dream
2. The Creator 3. The Rebel
1. Possibilities
Flying Bird Variation from Zen Tarot Set
What is here now. “The takeoff card”
The resistance card. “The fear of flying” (Passive/feminine)
The response-ability to the fear card. (Active/masculine)
The inner support card. (Passive/feminine)
The external support card. (Active/masculine)
The relaxation and acceptance card.
Arrival at the new level of awareness.
Additional Card as theme. (Felt right at the time)
Additional Card as theme. (Felt right at the time)
Looking at this spread, what I read into it was this: Right now, I have many possibilities laid out in front of me - internally. I can take any of them at any moment, but I am frightened of being The Creator of my own destiny. In order to combat this fear of being the creator of my own destiny, I need to “rebel” and break the chains of my own mind’s enslavement - to find my own true nature. To find support in my internal rebellion I would find beauty and comfort in the ordinariness of my own life, the simple enjoyment of my own tasks, for their own sake and pleasure, to know that there is no where to go or to be, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. (As an analogy, I like to think of a stretch. If your purpose is to touch your toes, you will be unhappy until the toes are touched. But if instead you find pleasure in the stretch, then you’ll enjoy the entire process including the moment you eventually touch your toes.)
My active support card at this time to help me follow the ordinaryness was “the dream” which states “If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised - all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.” And I needed to actively make peace with being alone and remove myself from the dream. Once the idea of being alone hits, intensity would begin to make its mark. “Think of all the great words and great teachings as your deadly enemy. Avoid them, because you have to find your own source. You have not to be a follower, an imitator. You have to be an original individual; you have to find your innermost core on your own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures.”
The arrival once intensity was dialed in would be “The Lovers.” What this had to do with was the very idea of love for oneself and for others. “These three things are to be taken note of: the lowest form of love is sex - it is physical - and the highest refinement of love is compassion. Sex is below love, compassion is above love, and love is exactly in the middle”. At this time, I also was considering my role with Sarah and even my role with Samantha. What was it that I wanted from them or them from me? Was it sex, love, compassion? Could I give myself compassion? What would that look like, to love someone without being lonely, without trying to please them, but to be compassionate? To not feel guilt, to not feel as though I were a burden, to not take responsibility for their fears and problems, but to simply be there with them and enjoy doing so.
The two additional cards, Experiencing and Healing were placed at the top. They just jumped out of the deck and I figured that the top would be the best place for them. Experiencing seemed pretty straight forward, experience the now and enjoy it. Easy. And healing did too, but the words in the Zen Tarot Set said, “Be aware of your wound. Don’t help it grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when you move the roots”
Finally, as I was putting the cards away, for some reason I decided to leave out Possibilities. It felt right to do so and I left it on the table in the meditation room. Just something to consider.
* * *
Later that day, Keith came over to meditate. Keith is a virtuoso pianist and chess player who frequents a local bar I used to work at, Wylde Works. His mannerisms seem to come off as what some would call “Manic-Depressive”. High flying energy at a genius level and likey drunk or you wouldn’t see him for periods of time. Anyway, I had scheduled an early afternoon meditation with him and he came over.
I welcomed Keith at his car, showed him the house, made him tea, and sat outside with him to chat for a bit prior to the meditation. I explained I would not be leading the meditation, but instead allowing the process to unfold as naturally as it occurred. I said, there is no wrong way to meditate, and you’re free to do so in any way you desire. I showed him the creek where he could sit, the pointy standing board, a journal and japanese brush pens, at one point he asked about my rings and I gave them to him saying if he wanted he could meditate on them. I finally let him know that we would be meditating for the length of one incense stick.
When it was time, I let him select an incense stick to meditate to. I suggested maybe smelling them and comparing them. Instead he grabbed the first one he saw and quickly said, “This one!” Of course, keith had chosen the longest incense stick of the bunch. With a burn time of somewhere around two and a half hours. Oh well, I could use a nice long meditation and figured maybe Keith did too. So, I lit the incense stick and Keith found himself in my normal meditation spot. I smiled and sat against a couch facing Keith, took up a half lotus pose, closed my eyes, and began to meditate.
Almost immediately, Keith began to fidget. Massive inhales, breathing out big loud sighs. He stretched, quickly changing muscles. He walked, plodding around the room. He twisted and turned. He would stand on the pointy board and would say, “ouch.” He would leave the meditation room and walk by the creek before coming back in the room again. I found my attention and focus were not necessarily on myself anymore. My focus and attention were simply listening and watching Keith’s physical process of his own meditation. He seemed unable to ever be comfortable, constantly restless, and constantly finding new things to turn his attention to in order to “fix” his active body. Sometimes, I would sit quietly and listen to him, other times I would open my eyes and look straight ahead, but seeing his movements.
I was so transfixed on his process that I was no longer watching myself. I was simply happy to meditate on Keith. I wasn't trying to fix him. I wasn't trying to guide him. I didn’t feel bad for him. He wasn’t ruining my meditation, he was enhancing it. He was the physical manifestation of my active mind. Constantly doing one thing or another and I was happy to just be aware.
About forty-five minutes into the meditation, Keith calls my attention. He loudly whispers, “I have to leave now.” I silently wave, close my eyes and continue my meditation. I am aware of him leaving and then I am just aware of the silence. I consciously think to Keith, I love you, I accept you, there’s nothing to fix. Thank you for our time together, I appreciated it, however I no longer require your companionship. I think I sat like that for the remainder of the incense stick. Without intrusive thoughts, just the creek gurgling nearby. If any thoughts did come up, I would think of my time with Keith, repeat my mantra, and allow the thoughts to dissipate.