Time Well Spent
An Argument Against: Guilt, Shame, and Disappointment
NOTE TO THE READER:
This is an argument to change perspective - an argument to change a speech pattern to rid oneself of a style of thinking.
Removing words in one’s vernacular allows for new neuronal pathways to develop in the brain, helping to dissolve the crystallized “stories” we tell ourselves. This allows fluidity, flexibility, and the possibility for new perspectives from the internal self to view the external self.
I hope you enjoy!
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Change is an interesting phenomenon. It has many propulsion systems to be utilized to get the desired outcome. Sometimes change occurs slowly and naturally, like seasons of leaves on a tree. Sometimes it can be abrupt, like an earthquake of destruction, leaving us in the rubble to rebuild. Others come from inspiration, boredom, and anger amongst the myriad of forms.
Some forms of change that I do not enjoy is the change that comes from embodying guilt, shame, and disappointment.
For me, guilt, shame, and disappointment all tend to have corrosive effects of: diminishing self worth, lowering compassion for oneself and others, and perpetuating a feeling of “wrongdoing”. All of which, I consider counterproductive to the way I would like to live my life and counter to how I would like to see other people.
I truly believe that we humans are trying our best, in everything that we do, based on the information that we are looking at. That all of our actions were deemed the best possible at the time. From that standpoint, I will offer that the feelings of shame, guilt, and disapointment should be observed, but not embodied.
I will offer that no person takes in information and then choses the worst possible action. In that same way, I offer that no person choses the second best option. Always, I consider the actions of myself and others to be the best possible at all times.
In that way, I do not shame myself or others for acting in one way or another. I do not guilt myself or others. I also chose to not dwell on disapointment for an action being poorly recieved nor for its intention to be unfulfilled. We all are trying our best - doing our best - at all possible points in our life.
Furthermore, in seeing ourselves and others in this light, we are able to be more compassionate in our relationships. We are also able to move diologues along in a way that all parties feel heard and understood.
But how do we allow for change to occur?
To propel change, what I would propose is to consciously change the information that we take in.
If we make the best possible action based on the information we have, then having better, more compassionate, and authentic information will naturally cause better, more compassionate, and authentic actions to occur. By sharing the information that we are consciously taking in with others we end up allowing for perspective changes that propel us all towards harmony. Which is why I am writing this.
One quick adjustment I offer is to utilize responsibility and accountability for your actions. Yes, I did/said that and it seemed like the best possible option at that time. This is based off of my interpretation and development from Kantian philosophy, which has less emphasis on the outcome of your action and is instead focused on the action itself.
How do we know we’re doing the right thing?
I offer the idea of time well spent.
A friend of mine once asked me,
“What is time well spent?”
I responded,
“Following your heart to the fullest of its expression.”
“But what if it wasn’t received the way you expected?”
“It was still time well spent.”
I then relayed this story:
When I was younger I was dating a woman. On the way to her home, I saw some flowers by the side of the road and decided to pick them to offer her. I had a wonderful time selecting the colors that I wanted, picking the most beautiful, and carefully arranging them to a way that I felt was most pleasing. I wanted nothing more than to simply express my affection in a way that I considered creative, caring, and authentic.
When I arrived to the house and presented the flowers she was aghast, repulsed, and furious.
“What makes you think I would like flowers? It’s cliche! It’s unattractive! It’s so pathetic! I dont want them! I can’t even look at them! The trash is over there, throw them away.”
My friend interjected,
“Well, you shouldn’t have brought her flowers!”
“How could I have known?”
“You never know how someone will react! So, just don’t do it.”
I said,
“I still consider my action, time well spent.”
“Did you bring her flowers again?”
“No.”
I followed my heart to it’s fullest expression and I had a wonderful time doing so. The result of my action might not have been recieved as was intended, but that has no diminishing effect on my time living in an authentic state.
With further information on this woman’s flower repulsion, I was able to navigate the relationship for a time longer while still allowing my heart’s fullest expression - within the boundaries that she was comfortable with.
That relationship is now over and I have since continued to pick flowers for other loved ones.
What my younger self did take on and process at that time of the incident were the emotions of, guilt, shame, and disapointment. There was a feeling of “doing something wrong”.
There were thoughts of:
“Wow, she’s a jerk. Why didn’t she tell me this before? What kind of person doesn’t like flowers? Etc..”
In this situation, I could have gone down a rabbit hole of: diminishing self-worth, lowering compassion for myself and others, and this idea of “wrongdoing” on either side. I could get myself in a rut, and diminish my own creativity and ardor. Yet, as I consider it less productive to time well spent, I simply allow myself to acknowledge and accept the situation as it is. I chose to take responsibility and accountability for my actions without harboring corrosive feelings.
Looking back on this situation now, I am more compassionate with both of us. I realize that both she and I acted in a way that was authentic to our selves at that time. The information that I had was filtered through my conscious and unconscious awareness and I preformed the best possible action. She as well filtered information from her life, both conscious and unconscious, and preformed the best possible action for her at that time.
I still observe shame, guilt, and disapointment, but I do not chose to use them as my propulsion system for development and change. I am happy to take responsibility and accountability for what I have done, even in circumstances where the result was not ideal.
My propulsion system is “time well spent”. To follow my heart to its fullest expression in all that I do.
In that regard, I can still change my actions by taking in different information. “Oh this works, this doesn’t. This person enjoys this and does not enjoy that.”
Mistakes can still occur. Those are a natural part of life, but dwelling on incidents of mistakes and harboring resentment for oneself or others tends to cause a negative loop in one’s mind. Instead, take responsibility factor in new information, keep your heart tender and pure, and continue to act in the best way you know how.
I hope that you enjoyed this writing.
Follow your hearts.
With love,
Awe World Experiencer
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